So this is a blog of a frustrated mother.....

First of all...I get a call yesterday afternoon from the 2nd evaluator. I actually forget her name. Anyway, she proceeds to tell me that she is coming at 830 the next morning. I tell her that I have to be at work in Midtown by 9 am. She asked "how about 8am" so then I catch a bit of an attitude as I say "Obviously my schedule doesn't mean a damn thing, because unless you come at 7am, I'm going to be late. Just tell me when you are going to show up." So she come at 8am and is there for about 45 minutes. Now, to be honest, I'm at the point where I am confused....I've been told that Gabriella IS autistic, then I've been told that they are suspicious that she is autistic. Well, per the evaluator today, she IS autistic. No PDD, Aspbergers, etc. Gabriella is autistic. Seeing that is writing tears my heart and stings my eyes with tears. As each evaluator comes along I ask "Am I going crazy? I'm not just imagining this stuff, right? Am I willing myself to believe it, am I forcing to see things that aren't there?" Each time, I am told, No, I'm not crazy and I'm not imagining things. These actions (or lack thereof) are real. They are not conjured up in my mind.
I want to scream and shake the people uncontrollably that say "She doesn't look autistic." "She'll grow out of it, its just a phase." "Are you sure, maybe you should get a second opinion." "She's fine, her brothers and sister are perfectly normal". Normal. I hate that word. What IS normal? I've used that word many, many times in my 30 year existence, and I really don't believe I know what is defined by it. What is "normal" to some is not normal to all. So who is myself or ANYONE to "know" what "normal" is?
I'm so frustrated. I'm angry. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at myself for being angry with Him. I'm angry at the people who have so much lack of knowledge on the subject that have no idea what they are talking about when  it's brought up. I'm angry that her father is in denial, even though he tries to be supportive of it to be supportive of me. I'm angry that when I try to bring some light to him about the subject that he doesn't look me in the eye. I'm angry that I don't have family to rely on. I'm angry that no matter what, nothing seems to work out as planned. I'm ANGRY. Pissed off. Fed up.
I'm also tired. Tired of running and hoping and thinking and praying that its not real. I'm making it up. Its all just in my head. I'm tired of smiling all the time when all I want to do is hug my daughter and cry. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else think I'm OK when I'm not. I'm tired of being strong when in fact I'm a basket case. I'm tired of people not thinking before they speak. I'm tired.

And this is just the beginning...........

One last thing,  I've decided to do the NYC Walk for Autism Speaks on June 3rd. To sponsor us, please go to: http://www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/nyc/gabbasmama